DO'S
• Do ‘shop around’—don't stay focused on one person until you've given yourself a choice.
• Do listen. Don't monopolize the conversation. You'll learn even more about your date, and be more relaxed.
*Do focus on friendship. When you’ve just met someone, you can't know where it might go, so concentrate on developing the friendship. You can have as many friends as you want.
• Do get feedback. Offer your comments on the event or the restaurant, and ask your date what he or she thought of it, for future reference.
• Do let your date know if you enjoyed his/her company. A compliment is always welcome. If you'd like to do it again, say so.
• If you promise to call, mean it. If you've decided not to continue the relationship but feel you can't say so, don't make empty promises.
• Do tell the truth—don't lie, but also don't share too much too soon. You don't need to tell your date about other dates if you two have no agreement about exclusivity. Wait until the relationship has progressed to exclusivity.
• Do pay attention to the clues about your date—you need to learn about this person's character, not just looks and charm.
DON'TS
• Don’t assume your date is exclusive with you if you've never talked about it.
• Don't be afraid of silence. Occasional silences allow a conversation to feel natural and unforced.
• Don't make sex the objective. Good reasons for going slowly into sexual activity include: reducing the risk of sexually transmitted diseases, avoiding the awkwardness of intimacy with a total stranger; averting codependent obsession; and having sex to look forward to. If and when sex is right, it will happen—there’s no advantage in rushing.
• Don't date beyond your budget. It doesn't impress your date if, in the long run, you have to make an embarrassing confession, and “buying” someone's company doesn’t work. A wide disparity in income calls for frank discussion early on. If your date spends a lot on you, reciprocating with a home-cooked meal, a hand-made gift, or needed repair work will even the
tally.
• Don't get too self-conscious. The media focus on youth and fitness these days can make anyone feel insecure and unattractive. Look your best, then forget about it. Instead of worrying what your date thinks of you, focus on what you think of your date.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Guidelines for Successful Dating
So many people ask me questions about dating that I thought I’d share some guidelines, do’s and don’t’s with you; to help you make dating fun, safe and successful. No matter how times change, what works in relationships remains surprisingly the same. Everyone seems to be in a hurry today, but if you rush into a relationship, you’ll create big problems for yourself. Starting off on the right note will make many things easier later.
Good Behavior
Although behaving badly seems to be a trend in movies and TV these days, rude and irresponsible behavior is deadly to relationships. Continuing to see someone who is rude, thoughtless or narcissistic is simply asking for a relationship problem. If you model good behavior and manners yourself, you’ll influence the person you’re dating in a positive way; or at least make his or her bad behavior stand out so you can see it clearly.
To get the best result out of your early dating experiences, try following these guidelines:
• Avoid Anxiety and GiddinessDating is exciting and energizing. Of course you should have fun and enjoy the moment, but if you get too excited, anxious and giddy, you might come on too strong. It’s important that your anxiety not mask the real you. Keep your thoughts on the reality that you don’t know what is going to happen to the relationship. Pay attention to what you are learning about your date, and allow the relationship to develop slowly over many dates like this.
• Use the Power of Charm
Remember how powerful your smile can be, and use your eye contact and ask questions to keep the conversation flowing. Think about what interests you about your date, and show interest in his or her opinions, experiences and activities. Be complementary whenever possible, and respond intelligently to whatever is said to you.
• Have Fun — Don’t Get Too HeavyKeep your date light and easy, and have a good time. If you keep the focus of your attention on being pleasant, having fun, and not getting too far ahead of the relationship, you will be great company.
• Make Conversation Interesting and Easy, With No Deep SecretsYou can talk about anything, including your personal lives, past relationships and love in general, but don’t be the one who brings up the intimate topics first. Be careful not to pry too deeply into your date’s private life and secrets, unless the information is voluntarily offered. You’ll learn a lot more about your date if you are genuinely interested in hearing what he or she has to say; than if you conduct an interrogation.
• Don’t Talk Too Much about YourselfKeep your focus on learning about your date and don’t get into talking too much about yourself. Dole out some information about you, especially if it relates to what your date is saying, but don’t let yourself talk endlessly about your own life, opinions, experiences or activities.
• Pay Attention!!! You Have Things to Learn Here!
The most important aspect of any date, in addition to having a good time, is to get to know each other better. No matter how excited, turned on or thrilled you may be about this date, listening to what your date says, watching what your date does and understanding how your date feels are still your primary objectives. Keep an objective viewpoint in the back of your mind and think about what your date is revealing to you.
• What Your Date Thinks of You Is Not Your Business — Focus on What You Think of Your Date.
One of the easiest ways to lose your objectivity and balance in this is to let yourself worry about what your date thinks about you. I call this “getting into your date’s head.” If you spend your time essentially trying to look at yourself through your date’s eyes, guessing what he or she is seeing when looking at you, or hearing when listening to you, you’ll miss what’s really happening. It’s a very self-involved thing to do, and it makes it impossible for you to relate intelligently to your date. What your date thinks of you is not really your business. You have a responsibility to pay attention so you know what YOU think of your date.
Hopefully, in all these considerations, because you’ve thought about the serious issues in advance, you’ll still be able to relax and have a good time—so good, that you decide to keep dating each other.
Keep in mind that you’re not looking for just sex or romance—if you want a long-term relationship, the character of the person that will determine whether your relationship will be a success, not his or her outward appearance. Here are some Dating Do's and Don'ts to help
you.
Good Behavior
Although behaving badly seems to be a trend in movies and TV these days, rude and irresponsible behavior is deadly to relationships. Continuing to see someone who is rude, thoughtless or narcissistic is simply asking for a relationship problem. If you model good behavior and manners yourself, you’ll influence the person you’re dating in a positive way; or at least make his or her bad behavior stand out so you can see it clearly.
To get the best result out of your early dating experiences, try following these guidelines:
• Avoid Anxiety and GiddinessDating is exciting and energizing. Of course you should have fun and enjoy the moment, but if you get too excited, anxious and giddy, you might come on too strong. It’s important that your anxiety not mask the real you. Keep your thoughts on the reality that you don’t know what is going to happen to the relationship. Pay attention to what you are learning about your date, and allow the relationship to develop slowly over many dates like this.
• Use the Power of Charm
Remember how powerful your smile can be, and use your eye contact and ask questions to keep the conversation flowing. Think about what interests you about your date, and show interest in his or her opinions, experiences and activities. Be complementary whenever possible, and respond intelligently to whatever is said to you.
• Have Fun — Don’t Get Too HeavyKeep your date light and easy, and have a good time. If you keep the focus of your attention on being pleasant, having fun, and not getting too far ahead of the relationship, you will be great company.
• Make Conversation Interesting and Easy, With No Deep SecretsYou can talk about anything, including your personal lives, past relationships and love in general, but don’t be the one who brings up the intimate topics first. Be careful not to pry too deeply into your date’s private life and secrets, unless the information is voluntarily offered. You’ll learn a lot more about your date if you are genuinely interested in hearing what he or she has to say; than if you conduct an interrogation.
• Don’t Talk Too Much about YourselfKeep your focus on learning about your date and don’t get into talking too much about yourself. Dole out some information about you, especially if it relates to what your date is saying, but don’t let yourself talk endlessly about your own life, opinions, experiences or activities.
• Pay Attention!!! You Have Things to Learn Here!
The most important aspect of any date, in addition to having a good time, is to get to know each other better. No matter how excited, turned on or thrilled you may be about this date, listening to what your date says, watching what your date does and understanding how your date feels are still your primary objectives. Keep an objective viewpoint in the back of your mind and think about what your date is revealing to you.
• What Your Date Thinks of You Is Not Your Business — Focus on What You Think of Your Date.
One of the easiest ways to lose your objectivity and balance in this is to let yourself worry about what your date thinks about you. I call this “getting into your date’s head.” If you spend your time essentially trying to look at yourself through your date’s eyes, guessing what he or she is seeing when looking at you, or hearing when listening to you, you’ll miss what’s really happening. It’s a very self-involved thing to do, and it makes it impossible for you to relate intelligently to your date. What your date thinks of you is not really your business. You have a responsibility to pay attention so you know what YOU think of your date.
Hopefully, in all these considerations, because you’ve thought about the serious issues in advance, you’ll still be able to relax and have a good time—so good, that you decide to keep dating each other.
Keep in mind that you’re not looking for just sex or romance—if you want a long-term relationship, the character of the person that will determine whether your relationship will be a success, not his or her outward appearance. Here are some Dating Do's and Don'ts to help
you.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Things Not to Say the First Time You Meet Someone New
When you are about to meet someone for the first time, avoid these conversation topics.
A first date can be difficult enough. You're nervous, your date is anxious, and all the two of you want to do is determine if you're right for each other. Sounds simple enough, but as many singles admit, starting off on the right foot with your date can be tricky.
Eventually when you're in a committed relationship, you will likely talk about many heated topics and respect each others opinions enough that discussing opposing viewpoints won't cause a riff in your partnership. But when you're about to meet someone for the first time, avoid these conversation topics:
Politics
Talk in general terms about political or news items. Remember, meeting a potential love interest for the first time should be a happy social occasion, not an opportunity to debate. There is a time and a place to talk about hot button issues, but a first date is not one of them.
Ex's
It's natural when you meet someone new to talk about other people you've dated. But avoid this topic, as it will only serve to take attention away from the person currently sitting in front of you. Even if you mean to compliment your date, don't use an ex as a way to accomplish this. (Example: "You are so much prettier than my ex-girlfriend!" or "My old boyfriend would have never opened the door for me.") Mentioning an old flame is like inviting them out on your date, and we all know that's a bad idea.
Sex
You may want to find out what your date’s opinions are on the subject of intercourse, but the first date is not the time to bring it up. Doing so will only make you sound either desperate or prudish. You’ll know by the end of the date whether there is chemistry enough for you to continue on to a second date, and that’s all you should be focusing on in terms of physical attraction.
The Future
Asking about how many kids your date might want or how soon they plan on getting married when you’ve only just met them is a surefire way to come across as desperate. You may be curious about your date’s opinions on the future, but it’s wise to keep these types of questions to yourself until you’ve gone out at least a few times.
Religion
People generally feel very strongly about their religious views, and unless you understand someone’s motivation, a heated discussion can quickly seem like an argument. Your faith is going to be a big part of your relationship if the two of you get serious. However, a first date is not the venue to bring it up.
Medical Problems
We’ve all got issues, medical and otherwise. As inspiring as it may be that you deal with a multitude of health issues, talking about them on a first date will give the situation a decidedly negative atmosphere.
Your lousy day at work
Talk about your job in general terms. Don’t bore your date with the inner workings of your office particular brand of backstabbing and unfair behavior. Doing so will make you appear as if you have nothing else going on in your life.
Celebrity gossip
News items are perfectly acceptable to talk about. Celebrities and their love lives are not. Talk about your hobbies instead. If celebrities’ love lives ARE a hobby, talk about a different hobby. Talking about the lives of people you don’t know can make you seem out of touch with the real world.
Money
Never ask a date how much they make, how much debt they’re in, or if they’ve ever filed bankruptcy. Remember, you are getting to know someone in a socially fun way, not doing a heavy background search on him or her.
Your most outrageous moments
Maybe there was the time you got arrested, the time you got drunk at the office holiday party, or the time you accidentally fell down a bunch of stairs after running naked through the hotel lobby. Even if you fully embrace your embarrassing, stupid, or ridiculous moments, don’t use them as anecdotes on a first date. As you and your date become serious, you will naturally share this type of information with each other, but on a first date a better option is to keep the conversation light and fun while at the same time asking questions that will allow you to really get to know someone.
Make A Good & Lasting Impression
Preparing for your night out starts with an acceptance. Asking a special girl out can take a lot of courage, however it is worth the gamble. When you are asking her out, be confident, have a game plan and be true to yourself. It is okay to be creative, however a simple, "Would you like to go out with me?" works really well as dating etiquette.
Once she has accepted, it is time for you to get ready. Plan ahead. This is very good dating advice for men. It is so important that you decide what you are going to do and where you are going before you leave. If you need reservations for the restaurant, make them. If you need to know what time an event starts, find out. A girl is very impressed by a man that has a plan.
The day has arrived and it is time for you to get ready. You want to impress this girl right? Make sure you are clean and smell good. Get a haircut if you need to. It is worth a little bit of extra time and care. She will notice how you smell, if you shaved, and how your hair looks. Take some time also for some fashion etiquette. There are things that are important to girls, like matching clothes and nice shoes (they alwayslook at your shoes). Your clothing and dress are a true reflection of how much you care to be out with her. Be sure to dress for the occasion. There is no need to show up in a tuxedo when you are going out for a fun dinner and entertainment.
Next, be on time. A girl may make you wait, it is in their nature. However you should never make them wait. If indeed something comes up that will delay you (traffic, work, mom calls at the last second) make sure you call her to explain. Give her an estimated time of arrival. This is good dating manners. When you do arrive, be complimentary and courteous with her. Tell her she looks nice. She will feel so special even before you walk out the door.
Always be a gentleman. Some women are not used to a man treating them with respect. You will have the advantage if you do simple things for her. Opening the car door is a great start. Make sure she is comfortable. As you arrive at your destination, hold open that door too. Allow her to go first and then help her be seated at the table. Be sensitive to each woman's reaction. Some women are not used to men doing things for them. If they are absolutely not comfortable with it, then just be courteous.
First Date Coversations. can be a little tricky to negotiate. Read up on current events and things that you know she is interested in. Ask just enough questions to make her feel like you are interested in who she is and what she likes. Be a good listener. It doesn't do the conversation any good for you to ask a question and not know what she has said. It is okay to talk about sports and what you are interested in, however if she is clearly not interested, move on to the next subject. Good dating advice for men is no swearing, no arguing and no talking about other girls. Be respectful, even if you don't hit it off right at first.
It is so important to have fun on a date. The most memorable dates I have been on have been simple, full of good conversation and doing things that we enjoyed. Try new things. A girl loves a guy with a sense of adventure and who will step out of his comfort zone for her. Recently my husband and I attended a wedding. He is not comfortable on the dance floor, however he was brave for me and we had a great time dancing. It was a night I will not soon forget.
What if you don't hit it off with her? Most importantly, stay true to who you are. Do not change yourself to be what you think she wants. Some dating advice for men would tell you otherwise. You will never be happy in a relationship like that. Next, don't argue, belittle or fight with her. Just simply end the date early if it is really terrible. I have a friend who picked up a girl for a date, he found out that really wasn't what he wanted to take out that evening, turned the car around and dropped her off. He ended up calling one of his friends (who happened to be a girl) and had a great evening with her. It is okay to do that rather than waste your time and money.
So here you are at the end of the date...what do you do? Again, good dating advice for men is to relax and be a gentleman. One time I went out with a guy, we had a great time, however the entire ride home the poor guy was gripping the steering wheel, completely white-knuckled because he was so nervous about the dreaded door-step. It was pretty funny once I figured out what was going on. Tell her you had a good time. A simple hug or handshake is totally appropriate for the end of a first date. If you are intending to call her, let her know. If not, do not say you will call! That is some of the best dating advice for men. Leaving someone hanging is not the gentleman's way.
Dating should be a fun experience. Following this dating advice for men will help you have fun and be you. It is the time when you are finding out who a person is and if you want to spend more time with them. It is also a time of self-discovery. You will learn so many new things about yourself as you learn about a special girl. Take your time, don't rush anything. A gentleman always makes a good and lasting impression on a lady.
Dating and Appearance
True or false: “You shouldn’t judge by appearances.”
Most people would answer “true.” That’s the politically correct response, to be sure. And it certainly is true in some situations. But what about when you’re dating someone new?
Imagine that a new restaurant opens in your neighborhood featuring cuisine you’ve always wanted to try. You make plans to check it out. The first thing you notice as you approach the place is that all the windows are smudged and dusty. That’s strange, you think, since it is clearly open for business. Stepping inside, you’re greeted by a hostess wearing no makeup, whose hair looks like a windblown haystack. Her running sweats complete the impression that she rolled out of bed only minutes ago. She offers you your choice of tables, but all the unoccupied ones are covered with dirty dishes. The floor needs a good sweeping too.
An establishment like that shouldn’t be surprised if it has a hard time attracting and keeping customers. It’s a clear case of cause and effect. In theory, the kitchen could be spotless. The chef could be a veritable Michelangelo of culinary creativity. But are you likely to take a chance and find out? Probably not. You’ll seek out someplace better tended—as well you should!
Yet people hoping to form lasting romantic relationships sometimes fail to see the connection between the image they present to potential partners and their rate of success. If others have a way of passing you by after a first look, here are some things you might need to tidy up about yourself:
Clothing. Don’t misunderstand. Your clothes need not be expensive. Some of the most fashionable people shop exclusively at thrift stores and consignment shops. The point is to be sure you are dressed in such a way as to always have your best foot forward. Resist the temptation to wear your tattered old sweatpants to the bagel shop Saturday morning, no matter how comfortable or convenient it is. Furthermore, be sure what you wear is clean and unwrinkled!
Car. Think back to a time when someone offered you a ride—and then spent five minutes excavating the passenger seat of dirty laundry, fast food debris, file folders from work, and who knows what other fossilized artifacts of life in the fast lane. No matter how apologetic the person was, what impression did you inevitably form about his personal habits and discipline? Now picture your own car (yes, the backseat counts). See any room for improvement?
Crash pad … uh, home. Tonight take a good look at the house or apartment where you live. Try seeing it through the eyes of someone visiting for the first time. What do those piles of magazines say about you? That sink full of dishes? The layer of dust on every surface? If you don’t like what you see, throw open the windows, get out the scrub brush, and get to work.
You never know who is watching or when romantic opportunity will knock. Make an effort to appear ready for today to be that day.
Most people would answer “true.” That’s the politically correct response, to be sure. And it certainly is true in some situations. But what about when you’re dating someone new?
Imagine that a new restaurant opens in your neighborhood featuring cuisine you’ve always wanted to try. You make plans to check it out. The first thing you notice as you approach the place is that all the windows are smudged and dusty. That’s strange, you think, since it is clearly open for business. Stepping inside, you’re greeted by a hostess wearing no makeup, whose hair looks like a windblown haystack. Her running sweats complete the impression that she rolled out of bed only minutes ago. She offers you your choice of tables, but all the unoccupied ones are covered with dirty dishes. The floor needs a good sweeping too.
An establishment like that shouldn’t be surprised if it has a hard time attracting and keeping customers. It’s a clear case of cause and effect. In theory, the kitchen could be spotless. The chef could be a veritable Michelangelo of culinary creativity. But are you likely to take a chance and find out? Probably not. You’ll seek out someplace better tended—as well you should!
Yet people hoping to form lasting romantic relationships sometimes fail to see the connection between the image they present to potential partners and their rate of success. If others have a way of passing you by after a first look, here are some things you might need to tidy up about yourself:
Clothing. Don’t misunderstand. Your clothes need not be expensive. Some of the most fashionable people shop exclusively at thrift stores and consignment shops. The point is to be sure you are dressed in such a way as to always have your best foot forward. Resist the temptation to wear your tattered old sweatpants to the bagel shop Saturday morning, no matter how comfortable or convenient it is. Furthermore, be sure what you wear is clean and unwrinkled!
Car. Think back to a time when someone offered you a ride—and then spent five minutes excavating the passenger seat of dirty laundry, fast food debris, file folders from work, and who knows what other fossilized artifacts of life in the fast lane. No matter how apologetic the person was, what impression did you inevitably form about his personal habits and discipline? Now picture your own car (yes, the backseat counts). See any room for improvement?
Crash pad … uh, home. Tonight take a good look at the house or apartment where you live. Try seeing it through the eyes of someone visiting for the first time. What do those piles of magazines say about you? That sink full of dishes? The layer of dust on every surface? If you don’t like what you see, throw open the windows, get out the scrub brush, and get to work.
You never know who is watching or when romantic opportunity will knock. Make an effort to appear ready for today to be that day.
Definition of Dating
In my opinion, a date refers to an activity two people share together with the intention of getting to know each other better on a potentially romantic level. This differs greatly from 'hooking up' which usually describes a casual get together between two people that may or may not be sexual in nature. Two people who are "dating" therefore, have shared several dates together and have made it clear to one another they are interested in more than just a friendship - even if so far the exchanges have been purely friendly in nature. Dating is, essentially, getting to know someone over an extended period of time to determine if a relationship is something worth pursuing.
Still, I am curious. I'd love to hear from the readers of this blog what their definition of dating is, and why.
Still, I am curious. I'd love to hear from the readers of this blog what their definition of dating is, and why.
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